On the night of the 20th, I was so drained at the office trying to finish some parts of the deck supposedly due on that day but was extended the following day. Oh well, I just had to spend the whole day worrying whether the signatory of our visa document could sign so I can immediately ‘throw’ our applications out of my hand that I was not able to really work on what I was paid to do for that day, hehe.
So –I had my plans of going to my friend Apple’s wedding or meeting up with my friend Ye so we can have some little celebration. The latter pushed through, thank goodness. Thanks to my friends Ye and Lowell who really found time for me (awww..). They decided to meet up in Quattro already while I was working no-heartedly at the office. From time to time, I was checking up on them if they’re still more or less ok.
At around
Madelle was on her way too. I initially thought it was coincidence that she was inviting me to Quattro also a few minutes earlier, but I found out from Francis that he texted her. Hehe, she did not know most likely that it was my pre-birthday small get-together.
So Madelle arrived, and sometime later --- Asi and Sherwin. Wah.. I was really surprised. Surprised in a good way, that is. =) I have more ‘visitors’ than expected. Three or four rounds of mucho mug, of toasting, kampais – then we were all set to go. Went to Starbucks after, had our extra sweet fraps (hmmm. coffee as post-beer drink, doesn’t work for me), extra sweet cakes (waahh.. how come everything seems to taste extra sweet after beer. Grr). Then went home. And upon waking up in the morning, I saw that my bag was loaded with white and brown sugars from Starbucks. Haha, gagong mga iyon. But when I asked them – those were my gifts to me.
The 21st
So I spent the 21st alone. Really. I could bask in the loneliness of that thought but then I had all those text messages to keep me sane the entire day. =) To everyone who remembered my birthday and took time to let me know that they did in whatever medium they have (SMS, YM, and social networking sites), thank you very very much.
And I had my hair cut and dyed. Hehe, I have been wanting to do this for months already and I made it happen on my birthday. Yey! But I kind of regret it now- because I look like a tomboy. Not that I have anything against tomboys. I just don’t think the boyish look fits me.
So I did some grocery (ugh, birthday or not, weekends are my errands day), received a video greeting from Mother Goose, Pop and Ayks (who made this funny remark “ano sasabihin ko?”), went home, waited for some friendly soul to save me from my birthday misery (just kidding) and ask me to go out or something (hmm. I am really not the ‘you’re invited to my birthday’ kind of person plus I don’t have a planned celebration also). Then eventually, I decided to go to this Meralco event
It turned out to be real fun! =p I was again an ampon because I was with
Then we went to grab some pizza (yey! My Yellow Cab craving already satisfied) and burned those pizza calories away by laughing our hearts out at those alamat jokes of Lowell and Kuya Buge. Then home sweet home. I was dead tired from all those dancing. =p
Howkey – So I am having a really hard time trying to end/sum up this entry. But I guess what made this birthday special-ly happy is how I celebrated it with various people with whom I share differing degrees of relationships. (wow, that sounded weird). But yeah – I had a night with really good high school friends. I had a day with my self, my at peace self, with the salon stylists who just had so much to say about hair and coloring (believe me, the team who did my hair unusually really talked a lot. Most likely because the branch just opened up and they do not have much customers to talk with the entire day) plus of course, the virtual presence of everyone who texted, Facebook greeted me. I had a night with friends of my good friend, and hundreds of strangers but who came to one single place to simply have fun and act crazy.
There was no one primary party as I used to have when I was young. But there was a series of mini-parties with really beautiful people. And it made my birthday a really beautiful one.
Fast forward. If only there is a button I could press so that my days move faster, until it reaches a point when I get to rest, when all these thoughts get replaced by less painful ones, when I can say “I’m ok” and really mean it.
I manage to survive each day believing that that day is to come. I don’t know when or how or whether I am bound to just wait for that day or help myself (but how – I don’t know).
►►. Please. And please – when I get to that day, allow me to pause.
I really hate my life right now - my personal life, work. ugh. Everything seems wrong, Everything is wrong. Even this - this ranting - is wrong.
Damn it. Ugh. I am at the office right now and I just want to scream. Or cry. Or do something to just get rid of this annoying mood I am in. And I choose to write. Before I scream. Before I cry.
I am trying to concentrate in this writing. I dont care that I have tons of writing (or rewriting, better put) to do. I hate this. I hate. I hate. I hate.
Again - this restlessness. I am worried over something that I do not know about yet. =( '
Damn it. Are they ok again? So I go back to invisibility.
I realized last night that I am way more better at handling my own pains than bearing the pain of someone I love.
My friend is wrong --- the "best friend plan" is not going to work. I just do not think I can be there for him when he is that deeply hurt because of someone else.
Since when did gratitude become this unwanted? I do not want your "thank you". I do not want your appreciation for me being there. I do not know what I want from you.
I do not want you anymore. But you are still here. And until you are here, I will naturally always -- always be there for you. Even if I hate that sad look, even I want to shut my ears from your stories, even if I hate it when you say my name.
A Valentine entry three years ago --
I had the best valentine's day ever..
you might immediately think that it is because i spent it with a boyfriend or what.. but not really. it was just that i feel that everything (the happy and the sad) that happened yesterday simply fit together.
i feel so loved by many people -
the people who greeted me a 'happy hearts' day' through text - krixie, jam, khia, bers, luthgard, kb;
the korean kids in the dorm who gave me chocolates (i think it was not their tradition but they did it anyway);
the stranger in the mall who was my company while i was waiting for someone (my instant date);
my mother who sent me this very sweet message - "Hapi Valentine's Day!!! Wo ai ni! Take care. 4 me u r d most perfect and beautiful girl in d whole world." it might sound cheesy but coming from someone who have seen and felt the worst of me, the monster in me, and yet accepted me (the unconditional love of a mother, precisely) - such words are just the sweetest they almost made me cry;
tal with whom i share my happy and not-so-happy thoughts, to whom i can confess my 'unreasonable' joys and pains, without fear of being judged; her negative plus my negative equals a positive. One sees the other cry without really understanding why. because sometimes reasons need not be known, right? One can understand without really knowing why;
he - whose presence, little acts and funny messages make me smile, he who i wait to see everyday, he who i like to remain a joke (sounds bad, huh?)so that it would not hurt; (but yes, it sort of did cause me pain already)
vee-jay, my baba - for the pain and the happiness; for the 'surprise' which i and the circumstances again spoiled but that which is still very much appreciated.
ahh.. happiness. sometimes the belief, the conviction that one is loved.
--
So why am I posting this? Because inspired by a quote from Murakami -
"You know what I think?" she says. "That people's memories are maybe the fuel they burn to stay alive. Whether those memories have any actual importance or not, it doesn't matter as far as the maintenance of life is concerned.”
-- I think the 2006 happy blog entry is a fuel. It is what I’d like to call an anesthetic fuel. So that no matter what happens this “i-hate-it-because-it-is-so-commercialized-yet-it-affects-me-anyway” event, I will have fuel to burn. To keep me warm. To keep me believing. To keep me sane on that impending another yet extra cursed Saturday night.
For the past year and a half, I felt I knew where I was going. Or better put, I felt as if I knew where I was going. It was not perfect – I was tired most of the time even then. I was complaining a lot. But then I felt how relief would always come in perfect timing. Simply because I have my person. (and no, it was not a boyfriend. Just a good friend.)
You know sometimes how someone can make you want to be a better person. You reflect on your principles, and you weigh them if some of them come in conflict with each other, until you realize what matters over what. You see how he sees life, and you want to try to look at things the way he does. You feel how he manages his relationships with other people he cares about, and you want to try to build yours in the same way.
So visually- I felt that I was facing a lot of unfamiliar roads, but then I felt brave enough to explore them because someone was reminding me how to keep my eyes open and be thankful for whatever surprise that could come our way.
Then all of a sudden, he left. Because I have become a burden. I suddenly realized that I’ve become so self-centered that I did not recognize that he has his own principles to think about, his life to see, and own relationships to keep. I was so self-centered that while I feel like being a better person with him, he felt the opposite. I make him wrong. I make him a bad person. I make him unfree. I make him feel unworthy of the beautiful relationship he has with someone else.
And so he left. And I feel sad. I feel lost. I feel that I have principles, perspectives and faith to review and rebuild if necessary – for me to be able to call them my own and not his. But amid the hurting and the damage, I do not hate him. And I probably never will.
Because he may have left me on this painfully unfamiliar road, but he left me pieces of principles, perspectives, and maybe courage to just keep my self going.
“Sa Baler, nagsimula ang isang kuwento ng pag-ibig.”
The opening line of the movie Baler spells quite a strong promise of a love story. Indeed, it was a love story, but unlike your typical love stories that naturally highlight the romantic thrill, Baler gives us a dose of the love that we have for every human being – even if they are called enemies at the time of war. Indeed, as the movie line says it, this “love is worth fighting for” – because we struggle to keep this love even if it sometimes conflicts with our concepts of freedom, loyalty, and love for life.
For those with kilig expectations for this movie, they need to be toned down, I suppose. Neither Jericho-Anne nor the Nikki-Mark on-screen chemistry is vivid. If you are a
BUT the movie highlights a greater love. It is the love for every human being amidst the set-up of a war where people are supposed to kill, to shoot, in the name of whoever for a whatever purpose perceived to be noble. Because at the end of the day, we look at the individual rather than the troop we are supposed to kill. Feliza loved Celso because she looked at him not as a soldier but as a person. Gabriel (Carlo Aquino) stayed with the Spanish soldiers because he was loyal to a person.
The Acting
Philip Salvador who played the father to Feliza and Gabriel rightfully deserves the Best Supporting Actor award. It was very evident how he shifts from being a man whose sound hatred toward the Spaniards influences how he lives his life (and wants his children to live theirs too), to a father with an innate love for his children (and grandchild later on).
Anne’s acting was good – in the sense that her movements and facial expression sometimes make me forget that her being mestiza should have been a consideration before they gave her the role. But she was able to pull it off. It is just that maybe, I expected more than the ‘in-love’ and the worried look – especially since she is the Best Actress.
The Lighting
I watched the making of the movie, and one of the pride of the movie is its lighting, which they tried to look as natural or raw as possible. To that I agree plus I love the contrast of the bluish tone of the inside of the church versus the lush greens of the outside, not to mention the red orange tinge that sets the romantic mood during Feliza and Celso’s time alone together.